sebelum amir lahir... aku dah decide to do this, this, this, this, ...
let me list these things:


1. sleep-train... he needs to learn to sleep on his own
2. sleep away from us, in his cot in his own room
3. no excessive carrying... kang nak berdukung jek
4. no buai.. nanti takleh tido tanpa buai, camne nak gi jalan..
5. come of age, naughty je babab...
6. etc lah....


basically, totally un-AP (attachment parenting)
coz if u knew me... I have becomed hardened by life,
was a phase aku rase sungguh dipergunakan bila aku naive and selfless..
so when I turned into an adult...
I am determined to be selfish.. !! Usaha tu... perlu fikirkan diri sendiri dulu...
now, it comes like 2nd nature to be selfish ngahahaha...


anyways... I was determined that the baby, will not get the best of me.. aku takkan dipijak..
He will be under my rule... I need sleep, I need rest... basically me being selfish...
you go sleep in you room.... you learn to sleep, tak kuasa nak dodoi dodoi 3-4 jam..
the thought of babywearing, co-sleeping and buai-ing ..sungguhla nyusahkan hidup..
p/s: If I had known breastfeeding was so freaking hard, maybe aku plan utk tak BF kot..
tapi masa ni tatau pun BF tu nyusahkan hidup aku...



and the baby comes...
and sungguh la jadik opposite of what I had planned to be....
and I dont know why....
somehow tetiba terjadik bf-ing, bw-ing, co-sleeping, buai-ing mom...
and at that time also dunno the concept of AP....
somehow doing all these things feels right....


I am not saying amir ni tak ngada, manja, independent, etc...
sungguh la ngada, manja and nak berkepit ngn aku...
sejak leh recognize face tak penah tido tanpa aku (except 1 night masa die gi kedah and aku pun gi tgk startrek midnight)
and I dunno how he is gonna turn out...
sometimes bila die ngada-ngada.. tantrummy.... ade gak rase .. ini ke product of AP..? if so, nyesal aku...
tapi macamla budak yg tak raised AP.. takkan throw tantrum and ngada2....
sama je kot.... I dunno... I really dont...



yang penting... to deny a baby from his mother's love, protection and care just feels wrong...
to force sleep training -cry it out method, to force into a separate room, to deny carrying a baby sedangkan die nangis2 nak diangkat and feel secure...
is JUST WRONG...... period.


but I am still selfish...
kalau ikut aku la, aku prefer to sleep separately... and to not BF..
kalau amir boleh and wants to sleep away.. boleh tido away from me with his grandparents... sesungguhnya I WELCOME it !! please take him.. 2-3 hari pon boleh..
but now amir wants co-sleep, amir wants to sleep with me....
what is best for you, is not what is best for baby....



but some form of dicipline will be required for this "terrible-two" year to come.
not sure what yet... i need a book.

P/S: This post was inspired by this entry:
http://glam-mama-diaries.blogspot.com/2010/02/co-sleeping-my-history-and-how-it.html