For our guidance

1. Children’s Status & Rights

Allah, subhanahu wa ta`ala, has made the parents' heart as the source of love for their children. The love for children has been `legislated' by Allah in the very nature of parenthood. It is normal for a parent to love his or her child; it is abnormal for a parent not to love his or her child. This is the natural law as well as the religious law.

Islam has provided some wonderful guidelines for the parents in order to bring up their children —from birth to age 21— in the proper Islamic manner. The Prophet said to Imam ‘Ali: “O ‘Ali, there are as many rights of children incumbent upon parents as there are rights of parents incumbent upon children.”

2. Some Basic Rights

The rights of children upon their parents can be summarized under the following six items:

1. THE RIGHT TO LIVE: No parent has the right to abort the child or to kill the child after birth for any reason whatsoever. For example, the Qur'ān has strongly condemned those who kill their children for fear of poverty. Allah says: “Do not kill your children because of (fear of) poverty—We will provide for you and them.” (6:152) The Prophet said, “Whoever refrains from marriage because of fear of poverty, he has indeed thought badly of God.”

2. THE RIGHT TO BELONG TO A FAMILY: No parent can disown his or her child, or deprive the child from the family name.

3. THE RIGHT TO HAVE A GOOD NAME: Imam ‘Ali says: “The first beneficence of a parent towards his child is to give him a good name; therefore, you should name your child with a good name.” A child hears his name day and night; and it is reasonable to believe that the meaning of that name subconsciously strengthens those characteristics which are implied in that name. What is emphasized here is the fact that a name has a psychological effect on the person, provided it is not counter-manded by rearing or society.

A bad name has one more tangible evil effect. Whenever that name is announced, the person will feel embarrassment and the name will become a source of constant irritation, affecting his outlook on society. Hence the emphasis in ahādith on giving good names to children.

The Prophet used to emphasize this aspect of life so much that Imam as-Sadiq said, “The Prophet used to change the bad names of people and places.”

4. THE RIGHT OF MAINTENANCE: It is a child's right to be provided by the parents with the necessities of life: food, dress, shelter, furniture, and whatever a person normally needs to live a respectable life.

5. THE RIGHT TO HAVE BASIC EDUCATION: It is the right of a child to receive basic secular as well as religious education.

6. THE RIGHT TO BE BROUGHT UP ACCORDING TO ISLAM: It is the right of the child to be brought up in a home environment which is Islamic.

3. Three Stages of Life

Islam has divided the upbringing of a child into three stages from birth to age 21. The division is based on the following hadith of the Prophet (s.a.w.): “The child is the master for seven years; and a slave for seven years and a vizier for seven years; so if he grows into a good character within 21 years, well and good; otherwise leave him alone because you have discharged your responsibility before Allah.”

The same hadith has been explained by Imam Ja`far as-Sadiq (a.s.): “Let your child play upto seven years; and keep him with you (for education and training) for another seven years; then if he succeeds (well and good); otherwise, there is no good in him.”

The First Stage: from birth to age seven

As the first stage is a care-free period, the child is to be considered  as “master” of the parents. The Prophet said, “The child is the master for seven years.” This is the age of being a child and playing; he or she is not yet fully ready for education through formal instruction.

What has been said above, however, does not mean that a child cannot grasp or understand anything; not at all. The child is constantly influenced by the atmosphere in which he lives; he/she learns by observation and imitation; therefore, it is absolutely necessary for the parents to provide good examples by their own behaviour. The Prophet said, “Respect your children and teach them good behaviour, Allah will forgive (your sins).”

Although the child is not ready for formal instructions, our Imams have emphasized that religious issues —very basic and simple— should be introduced to them gradually. “Graduality” is the most important point to remember at this stage of life. The following hadith narrated by `Abdullah ibn Fazl from the fifth or sixth Imam is very significant to understand what is meant by gradually:

“When the child reaches 3 years of age, teach him seven times to recite la ilaha il-lal lāh.

Then leave him at that till he is 3 years, 7 months and 20 days old; then train him to say Muhammadun rasu-lul lāh.

Then leave him at that till he completes 4 years, then teach him seven times to say sal-lal lāhu `ala Muhammadin wa āli Muhammad.

Then leave him at that till he reaches the age of 5 years; then see if he can distinguish between the right and the left hand. When he knows the difference, then make him face qiblah and tell him to do sajdah.

This is to continue till he is 6 years of age. Then he should be told to pray and taught ruku` and sajdah.

When he completes 7 years, then he should be asked to wash his face and hands, and then told to pray.

This will continue till he reaches the age of 9 years, when he should be taught proper ritual ablution for prayer and proper salāt.

When he learns proper wudu and salāt, Allah forgives the sins of his parents.”

The Second Stage: from age eight to fourteen.

The Prophet said, “The child is...a slave for [the next] seven years.” Since this is the age when the child's mind can grasp logical reasoning and is developed for formal education—it is very important that the child not only be educated but, at the same time, he or she should be raised with proper Islamic ethics. By saying that the child is a “slave” from eight to fourteen, the Prophet wants to emphasize that at this age the parents should be strict in disciplining their children. A child is a “slave” in the sense that he has to follow the instructions of parents and teachers.

In the sayings of the Prophet (s.a.w.) and the Imams of Ahlu 'l-byat (a.s.), three things have been emphasized for the male children in the second stage of upbringing: 1. literacy for secular knowledge; 2. religious knowledge and  3. physical education and martial arts. For example, the Prophet (s.a.w.) said, “It is the right of the male child on his father to...teach him the Book of Allah...and riding and swimming.” Imam Ja`far as-Sadiq (a.s.) said, “It is the duty of the father to teach his son writing.”

Religious education is very crucial at this stage so that the child's religious beliefs are based on sound reasoning and firm foundation. Imam Ja`far as-Sadiq (a.s.) said, “Make haste in teaching your youngsters hadith before they are approached by murji`ite (a misguided sect).”

Literacy, and seeking of secular and religious knowledge has been equally emphasized for the girls in our ahadith. However, instead of physical education, the ahadith talk about those specific subjects which would help the girls in becoming good wives and educated mothers. The destiny of the future generations of the ummah, after all, depends on the mothers who are learned, informed, and aware of their role in establishing a society which is always conscious of Allah's presence.

The Third Stage: from age fifteen to twenty-one.

The Prophet described this stage of upbringing as follows: “The child...is an adviser for [the next] seven years.” At the age of fourteen, fifteen and up, a Muslim child is expected to have become a responsible teenager. Therefore, the Prophet says that the parents should now treat him or her more like a ‘friend’ than a ‘slave’.

At this stage, the parents should guide and help their teenage child in make correct decisions for themselves. In mid- and late-teens, the child has to start the specific training or education for the career that he intends to pursue so that he may soon stand on his own feet. It is also the time when the child is nearing the age of marriage.

Islam has strongly emphasized that the parents should get their daughters married at an early age when they have acquired mental maturity—their higher education can continue even after marriage but marriage should not be postponed for the sake of anything else. The condition of mental maturity cannot be measured by age or time. The same emphasis goes for male children.

At the age of twentyone, the parents’ responsibility towards their children comes to an end. If anyone brings up his children based on Islamic values, that child surely will be the apple of the parents' eyes and the delight of their hearts; and it is this child who, in his turn, may be hoped to fulfil his obligations towards his parents.

The Prophet said, “A virtuous child is a flower from the flowers of Paradise.” He also said, “Among the good fortunes of a man is the virtuous child.”

* * *

This lesson is based on `Allamah Sayyid Saeed Akhtar Rizvi's

The Family Life of Isam (Revised Edition, 1980)

with additions and modifications made  for this course.

(gamba hanye hiasan semata-mata, sebagai penceria blog)..

amir ni.... more of a hands-on baby (toddler aa skang, but i like to say baby)...
he wants to know how things work...


aku bagi buku... he's not at all terpikat dengan gamba2 yang warna warni..
sket pun tak pandang... ni yang payahnye nak ngajar die stuff...
die sebok nak tau camne process tutup and bukak buku tu...
kalau pop up book sure die suka...
but suka mechanism.. not the content...


then aku tampal ABC poster dekat laci... die sebok nak tau camne mende tu boleh melekat..
so nak cabut.. sket pun tak pay attention kat all the colorfull and different alphabets..


other stuff he likes...
smart tag and touch and go card... sebok nak figure out camne nak masukkan card and keluarkan..
buckles on my SSC... sebok nak keluar masukkan buckles...
wallet, sebok nak keluar masukkan card dalam wallets..


cars, suka pusing2 tayar.... suka tengok mende rotate...
aku bagi ipodtouch with animal piano software... animal software.. semua kalerful, semua bunyi comel2..
tapi amir sebok nak tekan butang ipod tu.......maka akan automatic terkeluar dari software...




anyways, he is motivated by tangiable stuff.... what he can touch...
you cant touch colors or sounds...
kena bersabar melayan die ni...
especially bila die sebok nak cabut poster ABC aku...
or aku nak suruh die buat something, die plak gi buat something else...
(kes ipod tu)....


its not that he doesnt want to learn.. but he's learning in his own ways...
so kena sabar... (eventhough rase helpless je kengkadang)...
tapi aku tanak give up trying to teach him stuff.. like recognizing cat, dog, ball, teddy...
so ajar ~ 15 kali... sekali je yang die pay attention...
its easy to give up.. and say.. biarla die blajar sendiri nanti...
tapi kena kuatkan usaha... maybe i have to teach double the time...
bukan sebab sebok nak bagi die pandai .. tapi aku rase banyak aa time wasted with TV and shopping...
so kena gak aa masukkan sket teaching .... opportunity to teach is every where..
like syaz ckp.. dlm lif pun boleh ajar 1,2,3.....


oo tapi die menggigit nipples balik..
for fun... die ingat main.. aku dah buat muka and nada marah dah..
tapi die sengeh.. then bagi time out (me walking away, die nangeh aaa)...
if i dont walk out, die akan gigit and sengeh lagi ..
kalau tutup nipple ngn tangan die gigit tangan...and lengan.. what ever lah..
aku dah try taktik biar and tahan aa .. supaya die disinterested.. tapi tak jadi..
lelama sakit aaa aa.. dah la gigit nipp.. then tarik plak ngn gigi...
kagum gile nipple aku tak luka...

how to disipline... inputs please..

A few examples.. I think these are easier said than done... cakap sonaaang..

but after seeing a boy got slapped tiba2 kat pyramid tadi.. waa, kesiannye die..
toddler je lagi.... what does that achieve? aku rase mak die malu anak die baling toys... tetiba gi sepak.. saje nak tunjuk org awam yg die (mak die) in charge la... aku ngn sanaa cam tercengang.. sebab seriusly ni toddler.. 2 tahun gitu... not some naughty 3-5 year old children yang patutnye paham whats going on...




Your child wants to play with/touch something that is off limits

1. Babyproofing will help make your house safer and less frustrating to your toddler. Cover electrical outlets with covers especially made for that. Put cords out of reach. Put up anything that you would be angry at your child for breaking or that is too dangerous for him to play with.

2. Use alternatives to "no" when possible. For instance, use descriptive words. . . if your child wants to touch the hot faucet, say, "Hot!" Some parents say, "Stop!" (And then offer your child something he *can* touch.)

3. Tell your toddler to put his hands behind his back instead of telling him "no" all the time. This enables him to lean forward and really study an object and may help get rid of his urge to touch it.

4. Teach your toddler how to "just touch." In our family we taught our children that meant they could reach out an index finger and gently touch the object (that way they couldn't grab it, but could satisfy some curiosity). Reach out your index finger to the object and thus help your child remember how to touch (not grab) the object; perhaps draw their attention to the texture of the object, "Feel how bumpy (or smooth) this is."

5. Sometimes it can help if you let your child touch, or even hold something in their lap, under your guidance. Show him how to touch things gently. You can say, "Gentle touches," and demonstrate.

6. If touching is not an option, then distract them. This is kind of like changing the subject. "Hey, take a look over here. Isn't this cool?"
7. Say, "That's not for **insert their name," or, "That's not a toy." Then add, ". . . here is something you can play with."

8. If possible, offer them an alternative that is similar to the desired object. If they want to play with your breakable glass snow globe, offer them a child's plastic snow globe.

9. Sometimes an object is high enough that a child can't reach it, but is so desirable to your child that they get very upset that they can't have it; if offering alternatives or distractions don't work, consider putting the object away in a closet or room where they can't see it so it doesn't continue to make them upset.

10. Give your child a special drawer or cupboard in the kitchen full of toys--perhaps measuring cups, plastic plates, cups, spoons, etc.--your child can play with while you are in the kitchen. This can work for other parts of the house, too. . . for instance, if there is a bookcase with books your child likes to take out and throw on the floor, offer him a shelf on the bookcase with books and toys of his own "You cannot play with these books, but this is your shelf, and you can play with the books on this shelf."

Your child doesn't want to leave or stop a certain activity when it's time to stop.

1. Encourage your toddler to say "bye-bye." It seems to give them a sense of closure. If they have to stop playing with a certain toy, for example, try waving your hand at the toy and telling your child, "Say bye-bye to the car." Or, "Say bye-bye to the ball." My 13 month old is starting to get this!

2. Have a toy handy to distract your little toddler with.

3. Give your child a "warning" before making them change activities. "Ellen, we will have to leave in a couple minutes."

4. For an older toddler, sometimes also counting to ten helps. Then they know for certain how much longer they have left to play. Tell them, "You can play with that until the count of ten," or "It'll be time to get out of the bathtub when I count to ten." This certainly doesn't work with our one year old, but it worked for our daughter when she was two, and we still use it now that she is four (only now we count to 20). This took a little while for her to learn, but after counting she is usually ready to go on to the next activity. Or, you could use a timer.

5. Don't bribe, but you can tell them something fun they can do after they do what you've asked. "After you clean up your toys, we will go for a walk in the park." (And help them clean up.)

Your child hits you (or sibling, cat, etc.).

1. Tell your child that hitting hurts and that hitting people (or animals) is not allowed. "We don't hit people." (Suggestion... try not to overreact when you say, "Ouch!!" or your child may think it's funny and do it again for your reaction. :-/)

2. Show your child how to touch gently and find a kind of code word or phrase that you consistently use when he hits as a reminder of how to touch such as "gentle," "gentle touches," or "soft."

3. Quietly say, "We don't hit people," amd then redirect his attention to an appropriate activity.

4. Depending on the situation and a child's ability to understand, offer him your hand so he can give you a "high-five" or give him something else to hit, like a pillow. . . "You cannot hit me, but you can hit this pillow."

5. As they learn to speak, teach your children to "use their words" instead of acting wrongly to get their way. Instead of hitting, help them learn to say, "I'm mad." "You've hurt my feelings." Even before they learn to speak, verbalizing for them how they feel can help them understand their feelings better and can help them feel understood.

6. Set a good example and don't hit or slap your child or in front of your child--whether under the guise of discipline or in a joking manner. For instance, some people might tell someone, "Oh, you're being silly," and then "playfully" punch that person on the shoulder. Some people "playfully" give their child a slap on the rump.

7. Be careful of what your child watches on TV.

8. Choose his playmates carefully.

9. Sometimes your child might need a little "**insert child's name*** time" or some "quiet time." This should not be a time to make him feel bad or to punish him, but instead the goal is to diffuse an explosive situation and help your child calm down. If he is a child who likes routine, he may appreciate doing the same thing each time in the same place, but don't make a list of rules that he must follow during his quiet time. Your toddler might just like to sit in your lap and cuddle; a nursing toddler might like to snuggle and nurse. How about a book? If he would enjoy a little time alone, that can be a good choice sometimes, but don't leave him alone to cry and be angry, and don't leave him alone if he is scared. As he gets older, help him create a special, comfortable place with calming activities (perhaps drawing paper and crayons, play dough, books) where he can go when he starts feeling upset. Be sure to go with him if he needs your presence.

10. If your child won't stop hitting you, as a last resort, consider holding him in your arms until he stops. Let him be angry and let him cry to get his anger out. Tell him, for example, "It's all right to be angry, but I can't let you hurt me when you are angry." Assure him that you love him and are there for him. Perhaps kneel down behind your child, embrace him, and put your arms around his arms so he can't hit you; being forcefully held while facing toward a parent makes some children much more angry.

Won't stop throwing a toy

1. Distract your child. . . get him interested in something else--another toy or activity such as turning on music and dancing, playing "ring around the rosies," or blowing bubbles (and if necessary, quickly hide the toy).

2. Show your child acceptable ways to use the toy. "We don't throw trucks, we make them go vrrrrrm, vrrrrrm." If it's a ball your child is throwing, and you don't want him to throw it inside, say, "We throw balls outside; inside we roll them," and show him what you mean.

3. Give them an alternative toy that they can throw, perhaps a bean bag or a scarf. "You can't throw that, but you can throw this."

4. Show your children acceptable ways to express their anger. Maybe they could hit a pillow (have a pillow fight with an older toddler!). Empathize and tell them "I can see that you are angry, but that toy is not for throwing. You may do **insert option** instead."

5. Teach them to "use their words." Instead of throwing a toy out of anger, maybe they can say, "I'm mad." "You've hurt my feelings." "It makes me angry when you **insert what makes them angry."

6. Explain to your child that he will not be able to play with that toy if he continues to throw it ("this toy will have to go bye-bye for awhile"--and offer an alternative). Put it away if he continues to throw it and take it out another day.

I like this concept... we're doing this...
mostly out of laziness to prevent him from danger...
so we just babyproof the house...
(it's christian mother's site.. but good info on GD... I need examples!)


http://www.gentlechristianmothers.com/articles/jeri/babyd.php

One of the situations that causes stress to many parents happens when their baby learns to crawl or scoot around and refuses to leave certain objects or areas alone. For this type of "problem," babyproofing is essential. Babyproofing not only helps protect a baby from dangerous objects and situations, it gives him the opportunity to satisfiy his innate curiosity and helps protect material valuables.

Some parents choose not to put away their valuables and instead slap hands, etc., or even yell, to get their point across. It's harmful and unfair to expect something of a child that he is not developmentally ready to handle. Often, the best and safest way to protect both your child and breakable items that are special to you is, if possible, to remove the item. On the other hand, showing a child he cannot touch something by slapping or spanking him will bewilder and scare him and teach him that hitting is an okay thing to do.


so far... I learn...

1. Remove the bad situation from baby
2. Remove baby from bad situation
3. Distraction
4. sometimes let natural consequences occur...

(next time aku boh example)...
I think Ray sure got lotsa info on this... heheh this is so Ray's area...
aku plak takleh posting kat MBW....

Someone please recommend me some books or websites (with examples)..
on GD...

Problem 1: Meal time... Amir tanak duduk dalam seat coz he's bored...
also sebab die mmg tak suka makan... why should he sit down kan?
Not a problem at home.. but a huge problem going out... distraction usually works.. but not all the time..

Problem 2: Kenkadang he likes to bite... bahu, betis peha...
maybe due to not giving enough attention...
I have said NO!..heepp!!!.... but he thinks its playing coz then he will grin....everytime..


hmm.. tu jelah masalah aku....
aku takde masalah nak mendisiplinkan ngn cara garang..
but I dont think it works... (refer problem 2)
so why waste time and effort doing it.. need to explore alternative....
cam parents aku yg super duper garang kat aku sebab aku anak first..
sebok nak set boundaries and discipline...

contohnye: hiburan...
so no music in the house... HMI takleh tengok...
kalau kitorang beli walkman senyap2 (aku and adik aku no.2)..
bapak aku jumpa, die pecahkan...
end up... aku gi US, aku pasang MTV 24-7....

skang diorang sungguh dah mellow out.... siap belikan mp3 player utk adik aku 2 org yg terakhir tu... siut jerr.... mp3 player rosak, suh parents aku ganti....

ini satu contoh.. ade banyak lagi... so end up... aku la yg paling screwed up..
(paling tak berdisiplin antara kitorang 4 org)...
but aku tatau other ways to do things besides harsh disiplin.. coz I was raised like that.... so I need to find books with examples....

copied from here


The Russian writer Anton Chekhov wrote a short story "Who Was to Blame," about his uncle who tried to teach a kitten to catch mice. Whenever the kitten refused to give chase, his uncle beat it. After the animal grew up into an adult cat, it always cowered in terror in the presence of a mouse.

So how does a kitten learn how to hunt mice? I was told the following: In the beginning, the mother cat brings to her hungry kitten a dead mouse for it to eat. After it becomes accustomed to this food, the mother cat brings a mouse that is just barely alive. Then the mother cat, brings progressively more lively mice for her kitten to chase, play with and eat. If the mouse manages to escape, the mother cat recaptures it and brings it back in a more disabled state making sure her kitten achieves success. In this way, the kitten develops its skills in hunting and killing mice, so that it can survive. The mother cat never punishes her little kitten. We humans have much to learn from this mother cat.

Children learn what they live

If children live with criticism,
They learn to condemn...
If children live with hostility,
They learn to fight...
If children live with ridicule,
They learn to be shy...
If children live with shame,
They learn to feel guilty...
If children live with tolerance,
They learn to be patient...
If children live with encouragement,
They learn to be confident...
If children live with praise,
They learn to appreciate...
If children live with fairness,
They learn justice...
If children live with security,
They learn to have faith...
If children live with approval,
They learn to like themselves...
If children live with acceptance and friendship,
They learn to find love in the world...

~Dorothy Law Nolte